Thursday, 11 August 2011

My Votes For Worst Wrestling Attires In History

Of course in pro-wrestling the big thing is to be over the top and make sure the fans recognise and remember you, and what better way to do that than with a unique and eye-catching ring attire. Sadly of course sometimes less is more and the following superstars and divas left us wondering how many of them had gotten ready in the dark.

Alicia Fox – The Pink Piñata:
Quite a few male fans were delighted when Alicia Fox ditched her tights and started wrestling in skirts, showing off her long and healthy legs in every match. Indeed the skirts didn’t restrict her at all and they made her entrance that more enjoyable. Sadly the Foxy one can’t seem to decide on a hair colour and has cycled through nearly every possible colour there is, though she hasn’t gone to Jeff Hardy extremes yet. The most recent one was the worst of the lot when she gave herself a Rihanna-inspired red weave. Then after she moved to Smackdown she became even more of an eyesore by walking out in this pink monstrosity that could possibly have been a piñata robbed from some kids’ birthday party on the way to the arena. The combination of pink and the red hair give her the look of a melting iced cake.

Ashley – Me Hate You Long Time
You’re probably wondering where the reference is coming from, given that Ashley isn’t Asian but of course she was a hooker (Ashleygate). She was awarded a WrestleMania match in honour of her Playboy cover and she showed up wearing something inspired by lingerie but looking like something out of softcore porn complete with red leather and fishnet stockings. And then she had to go and complicate the whole image by wearing her trademark baseball cap on top of that as well. Melina should have thrown that fur thing she was wearing over her to spare our eyes the indignity.

Billy & Chuck – Pride Before A Fall
We get that because of the gimmick Billy and Chuck weren’t exactly meant to look presentable but sadly those two jokesters had to go and overdo it in the worst possible way. The combination of headbands, red leather trunks and white coats made them every homophobe’s worst nightmare. At least for their wedding they managed to wear something appropriate and look like normal human beings. There’s probably unfortunate implications for that night being when they revealed they weren’t gay at all. Oh and the hair, what were you thinking?

Battle Kat
Do I really need to describe this one? Just look at it

Farooq Asaad – This. Is. Spandex!

Would you believe that the random guy who shows up every now and then to say “Damn!” in backstage segments he feels are too bizarre, actually would have fallen victim to his own damnation back in his early days. This gladiator inspired number does look more like something a Power Rangers villain would wear – and even Lord Zed and Goldar had style. The way the legs got shown off didn’t help matters much either.

Goldust – Leotard Of Nightmares
Who could forget Goldust’s rose period when he became The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust and then started dressing in nightmarish and freaky clothes. His outfit at WrestleMania XIV was the crowner of them all (or should we say dethroner?) with the silver bodysuit, black leotard and freaky red facepaint. I always liked his normal black and gold ring gear but here he looks like he should be out partying with Mr Freeze, Poison Ivy and the nipple-suit if you get my drift. Even his partner hated it since she ended up splashing him during the match.

The Headbangers – Real Men Do Not Wear Skirts

Even the Scots will agree that wrestling in a skirt, no matter what your gimmick, is simply a big fat no-no if you’re a guy. You can make pink work, you can make body-suits work, you can even make frills work but skirts are a different ball game completely. Thrasher and Mosh must have felt ridiculous wrestling in those skirts because they certainly looked it. Real rockers refused to headbang with them until they ditched the skirts.

Jeff Jarrett – Southern Injustice

For those too young to remember, Double J was indeed in WWE back in the 90s and I’m not really sure what his gimmick was but it appeared to be wrestling in one of the most feminine singlets ever made, in bright silver no less. See those blond curls? Well they were gone at the end of SummerSlam 1998 in a match with X-Pac and Double J bid sayonara to the singlets and started wrestling in trunks that looked pretty decent. So I guess that’s one thing we can thank X-Pac for.

Layla – The Imperfect Storm
Layla has always been one of the hotter divas on the roster and she usually has the good sense that if she’s not wearing something fashionable to wear something skimpy, but sadly this particular item leaves a lot to be desired – like hair straighteners, form fitting and a lot more leg showing. It does almost look like it was borrowed from Maria and interestingly enough she wore it two weeks in a row, looking exactly the same between the two tapings. I guess she somehow preserved herself in ice. Thankfully Ms El reminded us how sexy she was with the formation of Team LayCool and always looked...dare I say...Flawless. And if you’re wondering where the title comes from, she always reminded me of Storm every time I saw her in this. She and Halle Berry do look a bit similar don’t they?

Maria – DIY In The Dark
Ah, how to solve a problem like Maria? Training her in the ring and stop her from making her own clothes would be a step in the right direction. While Maria’s wrestling could sometimes be alright depending on who she was working with, her ring gear was almost always cringeworthy. WWE loved to push how she made her own outfits and promote her as some kind of fashion guru but whatever design school she went to must have given her a diploma in tacky. I don’t even know what tacky means but looking at this monstrosity (which she wore several times) speaks a thousand words on the definition. Ironically she looked her best in Playboy when she wasn’t wearing anything at all.

Maxine – Blades Of Horror:
First impressions do mean a lot in the wrestling business and Maxine killed the same bird with two stones on her first night of NXT. Her first “street” outfit consisted suspenders, an open blouse and a neon bra (which Tony Chimel tried to peel off in a dance contest), but her actual wrestling gear took the cake completely. In case you didn’t get the connection in the title, the outfit would be better suited to a 70s ice dancer or Emma Frost. And January Jones would be able to make it work. Combined with her patchy work in the match and Maxine did not make much of an impression. Thankfully she ditched this in favour of something more respectable and the outfit was never seen again.


I don’t think I need to describe this one as well, do I?

Melina – SummerSlam Sesame Street:
It was Melina’s big homecoming to Los Angeles after being out with injury for several months, and she was competing for the Divas’ Championship as well. She of course wanted to make a big impression which she certainly did. Sadly my first impression was wondering if Big Bird had walked out on the ramp instead of Melina. Then I realised she had donned a large number of yellow feathers, fuzzy boots and a garish yellow headdress. I’m guessing she was inspired by Aztec culture or something to do with the sun and the outfit could probably have worked without the headdress. Combined with the complete failure that was the match that night, it seems LayCool’s beatdown on her was punishing her for both putting on a lame match and an eyewatering outfit.

Molly Holly – Bible Saleswoman?

I always loved Molly when she was the sweet blonde pigtailed country bumpkin always smiling and having fun. Then she went bad...and we mean really bad. Gone was the long blonde hair to be replaced with a frumpy short brown do and she started dressing in extremely conservative clothes to reflect her self-righteous prude character. There was one match in 2003 against Victoria where her conservativeness reached a new low and she showed up looking ready for a picnic or an afternoon knocking on people’s doors selling Bibles. Thankfully her hair grew out and she started wrestling in corsets, reminding us once again that she was a hot woman. Hell, she even made being bald sexy.

Right To Censor – The Wendy’s Waiter Quintet
RTC were the villains everyone hated because they were the Parents Television Council personified, looking to rid WWE of everything that made the Attitude Era special. They showed how determined they were by choosing to wrestle in white shirts, black ties and black slacks. Their leader sadly looked like a Wendy’s manager while poor Ivory tried her very best to wrestle in that long skirt. She ditched it for pants but we were even happier when the gimmick was ditched completely and the members reverted to their former personas. We’ll always have the memories though...

Shockmaster – Power Failure
Even if the Shockmaster hadn’t fallen flat on his face when he debuted on Clash of the Champions, it’s quite clear his costume would have turned the fans and critics on him in a heartbeat anyway. His get up consisted of Billy Idol’s jeans, a monstrous black fur vest and a frigging stormtrooper helmet coated with glitter. These days Shockmaster seems almost so bad he’s almost good, but the costume is just bad.

Tamina – Baywatch The Early Years
You’ll notice I didn’t include the divas wearing the Baywatch one-piece swim suits or the other granny suits they had on last August. Tamina herself wore a swimsuit for that segment but here she was competing in an actual match. It literally looked as though she had rooted through Mrs Snuka’s closet and found a bathing suit that was probably the height of fashion back in the 1950s. There’s not much else to be said about it except it made her seem as though she didn’t belong in a wrestling ring.

Tori – The Body-paint Botch:
Tori was competing on the biggest night of her career – WrestleMania XV against the superstar Sable for the Women’s title. It was of course a big night for her so she obviously wanted to go for something unique and memorable. It was indeed memorable but not for the right reasons, looking a few sizes too big on her and very restricting. She was clearly going for something primal and with nature, judging by her later ring attires but I’m not sure where this one came from. She would have done better to wear one of Sable’s catsuits or some of those oh-so-skimpy leopard print bras she always wore.

Triple H – King of Faux Pas

Triple H called himself the King of Kings and his entrance at WrestleMania 22 was meant to emulate that. Instead what we saw was probably the worst Conan outfit ever that probably could have been saved for the Halloween episode. The headdress was bad enough but he appeared to have borrowed one of Stephanie’s fur coats for the evening. At least he didn’t actually wrestle in most of it.

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